[Writing] Sport vs Library

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Topic : Sports vs Library

273 자

First of all, Exercising can lead people to reduce stress. To be specific, when people work out, the blood in the body begins to circuit more than faster to supply blood to their brain. as the same time, this phenomenon makes the endorphins in their body. Additionally, this sort of part enables them to reduce someone’s stress which is exercising, like pouring out water from a full of glass of water. if they don’t reduce their stress regularly, people feel like anxiety, unhappy, and sad. For example, when was young, I preferred to exercise thing something in the library. I could resolve my academic stress by working out with my friends such as basketball, football, and semi-tennis. At that time, I didn’t realize the reason why my stress disappeared. However, I figured out that my stress was gone to the moon.

secondly, working out allow people to stack the bond of relationships. To explain, when people do something together, they can feel like being one. besides Doing some exercise with them enable them to bump and push players skin each other through the activity. According to this process, people conceive happiness, interact with emotions satisfied, and connect, thereby they build the bond of relationships. if they don’t make connections with others, they would be faced difficulties either when they need assistance or want to play together. For instance, when I was young, I was feeling difficult to make friends in school initially, because I don’t have any common interests aside from exercising. However, I created relationships with other friends through football after finishing school, So I could create a lot of friends.

 

Feedback

1. To be specific, when-> 둘중에 하나만 써..접속사 2개 노노
2.  the blood in the body begins to circuit -> 너무 구체적이지..무슨 피가 어쩌곸ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ 이거보다 body가 건강해 진다 요걸로만 해도 충분( 피는...운동과는 아무 상관이 없..뭐 물론 구체적으로 들어가면 맞는 말이지만 이게 정말 필요한 말일지 생각해 보기)
3. 아니..운동할때 좋은 호르몬이 나온다.그래서 운동을 한 후 기분이 좋아진다.그것이 좋은 영향을 끼쳐 모티베이팅한다~이렇게만 하면 되는데 뭔 엔돌핀~~스트레스를 줄여줘~~(어떻게??엔돌핀이??어떻게 줄여줘??설명 나옴?)
이렇게 쓰면 이거 OFF 됨...

 

주의

가장 큰 특징이 내가 계속 얘기하지만 대문자 실수 너무 많은데 그거 꼭 고쳐야 할 듯.
2번째 문단은 내용은 괜찮음..